So today was one of those days,...
The kinda days that really makes you evaluate just how well you really have it. The last five entire days have been spent in front of the computer, from waking moment to the time i pass out (at my desk, average time 10:00am). I've suddenly had a huge rush of inspiration in these last few weeks, and i've just been recording every damn one. There aren't any distractions here. No TV, just the Audio workstation, my instruments, and my thoughts. This morning J~Sin woke me up from the desk at 10am, hunched over the mixing board, listening to Our version of "Somebodys baby", bloodshot, saggy eyes. So i wake up in my bed 4 hours later, (not really remembering how i got there). Then automatically get back to mixing these songs.
So J~Sin and Amy were going to go out tonight, and invited me to come along. I actually wanted to go, just to spend a little time with them before... well, i'll get to that in a later.
So i decide to stay home, just to finish the songs. They come back around 2am, and i'm still at the computer. Amy jokingly says "haha, damn Adam. you're such a computer whore",
and i respond with "it's all i have.." (reffering to music) Instantly, both J and Amy look at me with such sincerity, and care in their eyes, and simultaniously let out sympathetic "awwwwwwe"s. I automaticly bark out "Oh come on! i didn't mean for it to sound so pathetic". I realized almost immediately that was simply inner dialogue, and what i had just said really was very,.. very sad and true.
I almost choked back a tear when it set in just how lonely, and pathetic my life has become.
Every week it's another crush, an interest, a fascination, lover, body in my bed, or the inevitable broken heart. I've learned to get by on my own, just fine. I've discovered how to be emotionally independent, minus the sentimental attatchment i have with any girl i care enough about to know in "that way". I can count my good, real friends on one hand. I've come to accept the fact that i'll probably never know the feeling of true love before my lifetime, or the mutual affection from the next girl to steel my heart. It's become painfully obvious to me, i need change in my life. I can only hope it's for the better.